In this first post, I thought it might be helpful to speak about my own experience and the reasons for the creation of the website. More blogs will follow talking about the ways we can explore our holding experiences, the insights arising from my research and your stories, and most importantly, the possible benefits of paying attention to moments of holding our children but before all of that I’m inviting you into my world.
Within weeks of the birth of my child I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. However, my experience at this time was far more about anxiety than depression: I didn’t eat, I didn’t rest, I was afraid all of the time. I was worried about when my child would sleep and when he would wake, how much he fed, whether I was a good enough mother and whether I’d be able to cope with the intense fears that arose with having a piece of my heart out in the world. All somewhat normal in the first few weeks of new motherhood, except that these symptoms continued and magnified.
With the help of my partner, medication and therapy, my child and I were able to move through this harrowing period. However, there was one surprising activity that consistently brought me peace. My rapid breathing would slow down, I was able to be with my child for minutes and even hours while still feeling safe, warm and enough for him, when fear was overcome by experiences of love and anxiety took a back seat: When I held my son.
Years later when I had the opportunity to conduct research and write a doctoral thesis, I returned to these moments of holding. I wondered: How could something so simple and mundane take me out of such intense anxiety? How was I able to pay attention to these moments when most of the time I was riddled with fear? How is it that even now, as my child matures and grows, I still get so much from holding him, however briefly?
For my doctorate I undertook research with mothers. I will write about how we explored holding and what we found in later posts, but what stood out for me was the potential for moments of holding to strengthen the parent/child relationship, just as it did for me. By paying attention to ‘golden moments’ of holding, however they manifested for each mother, the participants and I appeared to consolidate positive everyday memories and experiences that helped us through the more difficult times.
Parenting is hard. The relationship between caregiver and child is long term, has many intense periods of growth, and continually challenges our sense of self, freedom, purpose and responsibility. If noticing and exploring a simple, frequent and long-term action like holding can help the parent/child relationship, then it’s worth exploring.
I want to know what holding is like for others. I hope to delve into and share the rich complexity of people’s experiences. That is why this website has been created.
With the advent of Covid-19 many of us have found ourselves spending far more time than we usually would at home and with our children whether through working at home or job loss. At the same time, what we are able to do has become severely limited. For many of us, we have time to fill whether we want to or not. And right now, many parents are filling that time with entertaining, educating, feeding, corralling and being with their children. On the flip side, some of us are spending barely any time with our children if we're working in the health sector or are at higher risk of carrying the virus. Anything that might help parents right now is a necessity. And for those of you who are not able to see your children, missing them can be just as intense as being with them 24/7.
So, I invite you to:
Notice what it’s like for you and your relationship when you hold your child, tell us about it, share memories of your best holding moments; look at other people’s experiences of holding, are they similar or different to your own?
This website is a space for mothers and primary caregivers to pay attention to something so ‘normal’ it is usually overlooked in the busyness of our lives. I look forward to hearing about your experiences and thoughts on how holding matters for you.
Welcome and thank you,
Ariel.
This post is written by Dr Ariel Moy. She is passionate about developing mother/child relationships, is an academic teacher and supervisor at The MIECAT Institute and a Professional member of ANZACATA.
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