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Writer's pictureAriel Moy

Holding Our Children, Holding Ourselves

Updated: Jul 30, 2021

As mothers we watch our children grow and we know that both intentionally and inadvertently we contribute to the ways in which they engage with and shape their world. Attachment theory, first proposed by John Bowlby in the 1950s and significantly developed by Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, describes the ways in which our first interactions with a primary caregiver shape the way we relate to others and contribute to our wellbeing as we mature. In attachment studies, holding is considered a key relational behaviour. It is one of the first ways caregivers communicate and develop positive experiences of relationship and self to the infant. And there's nothing like the new experience of mothering to wake one up to the reality of how we as mothers relate to others, how we manages our emotions, and how we give and receive love.

Photo by Ariel Moy

Attachment theory proposes that infants learn how to identify and navigate their own needs and emotions from their primary caregiver. By watching how mum responds to an emotion, baby also learns how to respond to it. They discover what it's like to be in relationship with another. Some will learn that their needs are valid, their emotions are acceptable, and that within this first relationship, they'll be supported in regulating those emotions. These children will understand from the way that they’re responded to, that they have the right to care and love. According to attachment theory this leads to ‘secure’ attachment in infancy and beyond. The securely attached child feels fundamentally safe, they know how to identify their emotions, soothe themselves and feel grounded within relationships as they develop into adolescence and adulthood.


Unfortunately not everyone's early experiences of being parented play out like this. Some of us learn differently. Through experience and observation, we develop other patterns of relating to people and other ways of managing our emotions. Some may be categorised as insecure ‘avoidant’ or insecure ‘ambivalent’ in their attachment patterns. For example, they might inadvertently appear cold in relationships as their internal narrative, generated from their earliest experiences, tells them that they don’t or shouldn’t need others. When they want to soothe and protect themselves, they create distance and separation from loved ones. To others, they appear self-sufficient and uninviting and so offers of support dry up. Some have had more difficult infant experiences and find that they do not know how to care for themselves, they feel fragmented and cannot relate well to others. This ‘disorganised’ attachment pattern often emerges from various forms of neglect or abuse in infancy and early childhood.


Importantly, these patterns of relating and managing emotions are usually experienced as ‘just the way I am’. They are not deliberate but rather habitual ways of being and regulating ourselves.

This is a very brief and simplistic introduction to attachment theory. I urge anyone interested to explore this fascinating area of human psychology , with its meaningful impact on neurobiological development, relational well-being and, ultimately our sense of self and ourselves as parents . A new book by Bethany Saltman called Strange Situation: A Mother’s Journey into the Science of Attachment wonderfully weaves the theory and science behind attachment with personal experiences of mothering. Authors like Daniel Siegel, L. Alan Sroufe and Allan Schore amongst many others also explore the adult experience of attachment styles.


It’s important to note what attachment theory is not. It’s not attachment parenting, an approach to parenting that advocates for specific and intensive behaviours that keep mother and child physically close (like constant baby-wearing). It does not suggest that we only ‘attach’ to one person; we can have a number of significant attachment figures as infants and as we grow older. Attachment patterns are not fixed, they can be identified and changed as we mature. A crappy childhood does not have to mean a crappy adulthood or parenthood.


While a mother’s attachment style will contribute to how her child learns to identify and meet their needs as they grow, the approach is not another exercise in mother blaming. What it does offer us as mothers is some insight into how we relate to our children, what that relating is teaching them and how we can modify the ways we relate to them if needed. It starts with identifying our own attachment styles and developing a deep compassion for ourselves.


When my son was a baby, I was terrified when he was asleep because he was away from me, but I was distressed when he was awake because I didn’t think I was able to mother him the way he deserved. Insecure attachment was a burden I carried within and, though blindingly obvious in hindsight, I had lived with this approach to relating for as long as I could remember. I never saw it quite so starkly or painfully as when I became a mother. The one thing I did know was that in the midst of my suffering, I did not want my son to suffer as well.


During my many months of post-natal anxiety, the only time I felt truly soothed was when I held my son. Yes, he did fall asleep in my arms. Many parenting books would tell me that this was a bad habit to get into, those books went to the second-hand store. This is what worked for us.


What holding my son gave me was a sense of how we could be together in a way where I felt safe, strong, and at peace. I was therefore able to give those emotional experiences to my son as well. From these precious moments of holding, I was able to identify what it was like to feel uncomplicated love and give uncomplicated nurturing.


Holding enabled me to translate these qualities of safety and nurturing into other moments in our early relationship. Knowing I could love, feeling it and seeing it, meant I could change the way I interacted with my son from ways I had previously interacted with others. He could roll on his playmat and gurgle and smile and I didn’t need to panic about whether I was parenting correctly. He could cry at night and exhaust me to tears and I didn’t need to worry that I was scarring him with my fears. My panic eased, very slowly and in small ways. Those golden moments of holding have continued to expand to include other forms of relational affection and connection.


This was something I went on to explore in my research. What I and the mother's in my inquiry found was that while secure patterns of relating were gifts we could give our children, they were also gifts we received from them. By noticing them, attending to their needs, feeling their skin against our own, looking into their eyes, smiling with them when they chortled in happiness, by holding them, we developed:


1. An awareness of our own patterns of relating or attachment style;


2. An awareness of what we received from the love they gave us.


With awareness comes the opportunity to change. I tackled my past experiences and patterns of relating, I still tackle them, because what I had and what I now have with my son was and is worth it – not just for him, but for me as well.

Photo by John Moy

We may be significantly shaped by our past relationships but in most cases, if this shaping is unhelpful or painful, we have the opportunity to change. Through therapeutic work, supportive others and through open and attentive encounters with our children, we can develop a secure way of relating. In doing so, we can give our children the things we received that were helpful, but also those positive qualities of relationship we did not receive.


With insight and understanding, we can also look back at our own childhood experiences and have compassion for our parents. They too struggled with their own past and ways of relating, a struggle we can’t fully understand because we only knew them in relationship with us, not as they were when they were children themselves.


As humans, we’re so far from whatever we imagine perfection to be, it’s laughable. As mothers, this distance between where we are and where we’d like to be can be acutely felt. Sometimes we suffer because we judge ourselves, sometimes it’s because we’re surrounded by a society that amplifies judgement to a constant shriek of condemnation. Our ways of relating can be brought into stark contrast when we hold our own child for the first time and for the thousands of times after that.


Finding something with your child that gives you a sense of ‘doing well’ and a feeling that your relationship is doing well, is more precious than gold. For me, that thing was holding. When my son was a baby physical holding was simple, rewarding, an hourly occurrence and quite often, judgement free. It was and still is an accessible and vital attachment behaviour.


Whatever it is for you, and whatever stage of parenting you are at, there’ll be something like holding or touch that may feel simple, rewarding and precious, this is a moment of secure attachment, an instance of mother and child relating without complication. Notice that something, that small touch, that shared giggle, that shoulder lent against shoulder, that quiet cup of tea or chaotic attempts at computer gaming sat side by side with your child. Whatever it is, it will likely have to do with physical, emotional or psychological closeness.


Notice that uncomplicated connection and feel into it. How can you expand that moment? How can you pay attention to it more often? Treasure it? Attend to it in other kinds of engagement with your child? Notice that something and allow yourself to really appreciate it, as often as you can. And after the relational storms, the five second ones, the five-minute ones, or the five day ones, see if you can find that something again, that physical, emotional or psychological closeness, and go hard, enjoy every second of it. Allow it to consolidate and develop the ways you and your child relate to one another.


This post is written by Dr Ariel Moy. She is passionate about developing mother/child relationships, she has a private practice as a creative arts therapist, is a Professional member of ANZACATA and is an academic teacher at The MIECAT Institute in Melbourne, Australia.

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