Three mothers and I explored maternal holding experiences by delving into memories of holding our children. For Kitty, Rosanna, Leni and myself, these included moments of holding from our child’s infancy, toddler years, tweens to adolescence and (for one mother), adulthood. We re-engaged with our memories, some decades old, some only a day or hours old, to see what we might find.
We used an arts-based approach which means we attempted to discover what holding was like by putting aside what we thought we already knew (our thoughts and ideas) and exploring different, creative ways of knowing. For example, we found ways of representing holding (like drawings and installations) and then explored these to see what they might tell us. We paid attention to those qualities of holding we could see in the drawing that felt surprising or significant. We didn’t go with what we already knew, we went deeper to see what we might have felt but not yet articulated.
Three key findings emerged from our research:
- Holding our children was purposeful;
- Precious experiences of expansion occurred during optimal holding;
- Holding our children helped build, consolidate and enrich meaningful mother/child stories.
In today’s blog I’ll explore the first finding. The next two findings will appear in the blogs to follow.
Our baby is crying, so we hold them. Our toddler has fallen over, we pick them up and give them a squeeze. Our tween is teary after a long day at school, so we offer a cuddle. Our teenager feels good about their sport, or an exam or a friendship and we wrap our arm around them, for the length of time they let us. Our adult child has become a parent or ended a relationship, we touch their hand or quietly draw them to us. No matter the age of the child, holding was frequently engaged in response to a perceived need. Be it for comfort or praise, support or steadying, participants felt that attending to their children's needs was a part of their purpose and responsibility as a parent.
In our research, holding at first appeared to be all about our children’s needs. As parents we felt a responsibility, not always enjoyable, to take care of our kids and holding them was a part of that. But what we initially identified as our children’s needs appeared, on further examination, to be about our own needs as well. In fact, the sense of purpose we experienced during holding was about and directed towards the needs of the mother/child relationship.
By identifying a need in our children, we as mothers wanted to respond in a way that would meet, or manage, their needs. However, successfully navigating our children’s needs by holding them was often a satisfying experience for us: our need to attend to their needs met our needs as well. Mother and child both gave and received within moments of holding. As Kitty showed in her drawing and later described in words:
“The relationship actually gives to me in terms of the holding, that I’m actually getting quite a lot back from this…in terms of, I think, for my physical and mental health, it’s calming me and grounding me and…it’s also filling me” - Kitty
Mother and child’s needs were not the same during holding but both of their needs were experienced and managed within their relationship in that moment. When we considered what our purpose was like for us during holding, we couldn’t focus on the child’s needs without the interaction and presence of our own needs. Needs were relational during holding and so was purpose. Holding brought these relational needs and purpose into awareness.
When we paid attention to holding, we noticed opportunities for deep relational satisfaction and reward; not only for the child or the mother, but for the mother and child together. My little man has fallen down and is in distress, I pick him up and hold him and he calms down, his tears dry up, but I feel good too, and we both seem to benefit from this little moment in time.
Noticing experiences of satisfaction and reward, what we receive as well as what we give during holding, contributes to our wellbeing and the wellbeing of our relationship over time. The purpose we experience during holding is about the mother and child relationship; meeting that purpose feeds back into that relationship in an ongoing dance of give and take, even if what we as parents receive isn’t always foremost in our minds.
Have there been times where you’ve noticed that you’ve received something from holding your child? Let us know what that was and what it was like for you...
Warmly,
Ariel
This post is written by Dr Ariel Moy. She is passionate about developing mother/child relationships, is an academic teacher and supervisor at The MIECAT Institute and a Professional member of ANZACATA.
Comments