For many parents, an upside of the terrible virus currently re-shaping our world is that we get to spend more time with our children. A downside of the virus…is we get to spend more time with our children. Whether we’re kicking back in our active wear and energetically watching Netflix with the kids or attempting to manage our normal office job from the confines of our bedroom, those of us with children are tackling new ways of being that can be extremely challenging.
A lot of kids are going to school…at home. A lot of us are working from home. A lot of us have lost jobs without many new ones cropping up, so, we’re at home. We are facing a child intensive time.
On the flip-side, some of us have children we can't see because they're living overseas or interstate, we or they are in the health care profession, we or they are immunocompromised. In all of these cases, we can’t see them, hold them, hug them, be hugged by them.
With too much time together or not enough, with routines out the window, nerves are frayed on both sides of the parent/child relationship. We might cry or tantrum over the simplest thing and I’m not just talking about the children. Walking to the local café to get a coffee, shutting ourselves in the bathroom or the car or searching the internet for other people’s quarantine shenanigans can be a day’s highlight.
Without our usual routines and social encounters structuring our days, a lot more pressure is put on our relationships at home. Our expectations of our children and ourselves might unwittingly increase or complexify. It has become apparent that school provided so much more than academic education; there are the friendships made and navigated, the sports, competitions and general running about, the encounters with different kinds of personalities, the sunshine. Even with heroic efforts at online learning provided by increasingly challenged teachers, the most dedicated and time-rich parent or teacher can’t replicate for their child what has been lost. Guilt happens, tensions rise, anxiety increases, we get tired-er.
With all of these social and environmental changes, crowded thoughts and feelings swirling around, it can be hard to see through to our relationship with our children. Pulling back the stressed fabric of our locked down lives to notice when a hug might be appreciated can be difficult but worthwhile. Holding our children can give as much to us as to them, we both receive a moment in time where we pause and connect. Our relational dynamic, changes. Sometimes a little cuddle is enough to ‘calm the farm’ for both parent and child before they head back into whatever domestic reality show they’re currently participating in.
Take that moment, look for it, notice it when it happens, reflect on it when it has passed. For those who cannot be with their children right now, recall a recent or long-ago touch, remember what it felt like, give yourself that. If you can, send a virtual hug in image or words across cyberspace or on the phone.
Write down, take a photo or create something that captures what holding is like for you right now. Look at what you've written, made or photographed. What does it tell you about how you feel with your child at the moment? You might ask your child if they’d like to tell or show you what holding is like for them. Share with us, and in sharing, you’ll see your parent/child story in a new way or look at others experiences on the site.
Holding may not seem like much, but if attended to, it can change the parent/child ‘us’ in the moment and potentially longer term. It can reinforce what’s good and remind you of what you value when times are tough. The quick commiserating cuddle at the end of an online school day, the gentle spinning around of an energised toddler, the Zoom hug across the metres or miles that separate you - gathering these ‘golden moments’ together knit and re-knit what it means to be you with your child.
If you’re struggling, reach out to friends or family, and please go to our Supports page for Australian contact numbers and websites that may be helpful.
Take care and keep holding,
Ariel
This post is written by Dr Ariel Moy. She is passionate about developing mother/child relationships, she has a private practice as a creative arts therapist, is a Professional member of ANZACATA and is an academic teacher at The MIECAT Institute in Melbourne, Australia.
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